Sex and Murder Magazine

By Ambrose Stolliker

Now, this’ll sound kinda out there, but God revealed my holy purpose to me in a dream on my twentieth birthday. I was catfishin’ on Oxnut Creek when wouldn’t ya know it, Ronnie Van Zant – yes, the Ronnie Van Zant of Lynyrd Skynryd – comes walkin’ up to me whistlin’ “Freebird” an’ says, “Howza fishin’, good buddy?”

“Ain’t you dead?” I asked him.

“I’m a messenger from God, boy, so pay attention.”

“Uh, OK, Mr. Van Zant.”

“Call me Ronnie. You listenin’?”

“Sure am, Ronnie.”

“Well, all right then. Here we go. Big Daddy and Junior know you been searchin’ for your destiny. Here’s what They want you to do: Go to the corner of King and Blackwood in Van Nuys, California.”

Now, that surprised the hell outta me ‘cos I’d never heard of Van Nuys, California.

“You sure about this, Ronnie?”

“As sure as I’ll never get on another damn plane again, my friend.”

Now look, if the ghost of Ronnie Van Zant – the greatest rock star ever born south o’ the Mason-Dixon Line – comes and tells me to do something, I’m gonna do it. So, I got right to the particulars o’ the matter.

“What’m I s’posed to do when I get there?”

“The Lord will reveal his plan to you in time. Till then, hang tight.”

“This is the weirdest damn dream I ever had.”

“Go day after tomorrow,” Ronnie said. “That’s it, pardnuh. Be cool. I’ll be seein’ ya.”

“Hey! Ronnie, hold up a sec.”

“What’s up?”

“Think I could get an autograph?”

“You ain’t gonna sell it on eBay or nuthin’, are ya?”

“No way, man.”

“Well all right then.”

So, he gave me his autograph an’ headed across Oxnut Creek. Only his boots – alligator skin, I think – didn’t get wet. No shit. Ronnie Van Zant really does walk on water. I watched him till he disappeared from view, wondering what the hell he wanted me to do in Van Nuys, California. Next thing I knew, I had hooked a big mother of a catfish. Just as it broke the surface, I woke up.

Anyhow, sorry to go on like that, but it’s important for you to know how this all got started an’ how I ended up in my current situation. More on that later though. Ronnie’s visit had me right confused, so I did what any good boy does – I went to my mama and told her about my dream. Right away, I could tell she was happy her only son was “te’ched by God.”

“What should I do, mama?”

“Rusty, you got to do what the good Lord tells you.”

“I’m shit-scared.”

“Jesus will show you the way. Now you get on that Internet thing and buy yourself a ticket to California.”

So, that’s what I did. I took a taxi straight from the airport in Los Angeles to the corner o’ King and Blackwood in Van Nuys and got out in front of a big brick building surrounded by people holdin’ signs and howlin’ like banshees. A buncha peace officers could barely hold ‘em back. The signs had these nasty pictures of dead, bloody babies on ‘em, an’ all these slogans that said stuff like, “Only Whores Have Abortions,” “Wendy Lixxx is a Baby Killing Slut” and “Abortion Docs Burn in Hell.”

Soon as I got to the front of the building, the jostlin’ started. The storefront was glass an’ had black lettering that said, “Van Nuys Womens Health Center, Samuel Orenstein, M.D.” Now, I ain’t no kinda scholar (my mama once tol’ me it was only by the grace o’ God that I graduated from Jefferson Davis High School), but even I knew this was one of those clinics an’ at that point, I was downright confused. What in God’s name was I doin’ here? I brushed by a few of the screamers to get a better look an’ made it near the front steps. One of the peace officers blocked my way as I tried to get to the door.

“Stand back, sir. You can’t block the entrance.”

“But I gotta get inside.”

“I said stand back,” he warned.

“Well, all right then, officer,” I said.

The doors to the building opened then an’ the most beautiful woman I ever seen walked down the steps. She moved kinda slow, like she’d had too much to drink an’ two guys with fists the size of pineapples were helpin’ her along. I was…what’s the word…transposed? Hell, I dunno. I jes’ couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was a tiny little thing an’ reminded me of some o’ the gals I’d seen inna porno movie my buddy Cody Peete showed me once. She had blond hair so bright it was like the sun was shinin’ offa big plate o’ steel. Her mouth was a little too big for her face, sorta the way Angelina Jolie’s is too big for hers, though I always had a thing for ol’ Angie.

People screamed at her an’ called her all sorts of nasty names – names my mama taught me never to call any woman, no matter what kinda person she is. Next thing I knew, this short, pudgy dude threw a rock at the girl. It hit her right in the back of the head. She was out cold before she even hit the ground.

“Hey, boy! Now, that ain’t right!” I yelled at him.

“That whore got what was coming to her,” he said.

Well, I jes’ lost it. I smashed my fist into his teeth an’ then his nose an’ his whole face exploded like pulped berries. I grabbed that bastard by his lapels an’ threw him into the walkway, then kicked him hard inna ribs. Somehow, the Bible my mama gave me fell outta my jacket pocket an’ hit the ground, its pages flutterin’ in the wind. Next thing I knew, two of them peace officers had me by the arms an’ wrestled me to the ground. I felt the handcuffs slide around my wrists an’ gave up the struggle. They hauled me to my feet an’ brought me to a police car. Just as they ducked my head into the car, I saw that blond gal bein’ loaded into an ambulance. One of her big friends gave me a little wave before the officers slammed the door in my face.

*

“Get up, Dixie. Someone posted your bail.”

This confused the hell outta me. No way it coulda been my mama ‘cos I was too ashamed to call an’ tell what’d happened. An’ I didn’t know a soul in Van Nuys, California.

The officer led me out to a desk where another officer gave me back my suit coat.

Then, he pointed behind me. “Out that way. Remember you’re still under investigation for assault, so don’t leave L.A., Mr. Jensen. And stay the hell away from the Van Nuys Womens Health Center, got it?”

“Yes, sir. Loud ‘n clear.”

I turned an’ went out to the L.A. County Jail’s lobby an’ wouldn’t you know it, there was one of the guys that’d been escortin’ the gal that was hit in the head with the rock waitin’ for me.
He held out his hand. “Mr. Jensen, I’m Tony Spremulli. A friend of Miss Lixxx’s.”

“A friend o’ who now?”

“The young lady who was attacked yesterday.”

“You posted my bail?”

“Miss Lixxx did. She wants to meet you.”

“Really? Well, that’s swell. Say, she ain’t attached or anything is she?”

Tony smiled. He knew what I was gettin’ at. “You can ask her yourself when you meet her.”

Tony led me outside to a black Escalade and drove up into the hills. He opened the door for me an’ led me inside. The house was huge. The floors were all made of marble an’ there was a long staircase with maroon velvet carpet that led upstairs. Tony took me through the house an’ out to a stone veranda with a pool, a full bar an’ the biggest damn barbeque I ever saw. An Oriental guy stood behind it throwin’ meat an’ vegetables into a pan. Every time he dumped oil into it, flames leapt up over the grill. How the guy never burned his face off I don’t rightly know.

Then, I heard a swish of water from the pool.

“Yoo hoo!” It was a woman’s voice, high and kinda playful. “Tony, bring my guardian angel here this instant!”

Tony smirked. “This way, Mr. Jensen.”

“You can call me Rusty.”

“Rusty then.” He led me over to the edge of the pool. “I’d like to introduce Miss Wendy Lixxx.”

An’ there she was. She had on sunglasses, so I couldn’t see what color her eyes were. I already knew they were the most beautiful eyes I’d ever see though.

“Help me out, please, Tony.”

Tony took her hand an’ led her up the steps in the shallow end of the pool. I went crimson when I saw all she had on was a pair of heels that looked damn near impossible to walk in. She came over an’ held out her dainty hand. Her nails were long an’ smooth an’ had these tiny little palm trees painted on ‘em.

I shook her hand. “Nice to meet you, Miss Lixxx.”

“Please, call me Wendy.”

Up close, her voice wasn’t what I expected. It was kinda nasally an’ I could swear I heard a drawl hidden in there somewhere. I still couldn’t look her in the eyes though, her standin’ there in her birthday suit an’ all. “Wendy it is.”

“Oh, look, Tony! He’s blushing! Oh, that’s so sweet!” She stood up on her tippy toes an’ kissed me onna cheek. She smelled so good, like a mix o’ cocoa an’ fruit an’ flowers. Takin’ my hand, she led me to a set of lounge chairs next to the pool.

“That’s all for now, Tony. Thank you for bringing my new friend to me.”

Tony leaned over an’ kissed Wendy’s hand. “My pleasure, Miss Lixxx.”

When we were alone, Wendy picked up a sun hat with a wide brim and flowers on it, then gave me the prettiest smile I ever saw. She just looked me over for a moment or two, not sayin’ a word.

Not sure what to say myself, I asked her how her head was doin’.

“My head?”

“Yeah, you know, ya got hit with a rock yesterday, remember?”

“Oh, yes, that’s right. It’s much better now. Thank you for asking. And that reminds me…” She cupped her hands over her mouth an’ yelled, “Tony! Could you bring my present to Rusty, please?”

Tony reappeared a second or two later holding my Bible. He handed it to me with a smile. “I picked it up for you after the police took you away.”

I hugged it close to my heart. “That was real nice o’ you, Tony. Thank you.”

“See, Tony? Our new friend is happy. I bet your mother gave you that Bible, didn’t she?” Wendy asked.

“She surely did.”

Tony left me an’ Wendy alone again.

“Now, Wendy, I hope you don’t think I’m outta line for sayin’ so, but I do believe I hear a bit o’ Dixie in your voice.”

She smiled, revealing a set of perfect teeth. “Can you? Damn, I’ve been trying like hell to get rid of that accent. But you’re right. Boonville, Arkansas, born and raised.”

“Oxnut, Mississippi.”

“Well, aren’t we a pair?” she said. “What brought you all the way out to California?”

Now, I shoulda been ready for that question, but I wasn’t, an’ the idea of tellin’ that pretty lady that I’d got on a plane ‘cos Ronnie Van Zant told me to in a dream didn’t sit well with me. So, I told a little white lie, which my mama said don’t hurt no one if it’s jes’ once inna while.

“I jes’ wanted to see a little o’ the world, ya know? I ain’t gonna be young forever.”

“And the first place you visited was an abortion clinic?”

That one stumped me. The best I could come up with was another white lie, “I was jes’ passin’ by, ma’am. On my way to church.”

“I bet your mama told you not to miss a day of church before you left Mississippi, didn’t she?” she asked, letting her drawl come out a little bit more.

“She did.”

“And you didn’t. That’s so darling.”

“Why, thank you ma’am.”

Wendy leaned over and gave me another kiss onna cheek. “Where are you staying in Van Nuys, sailor?”

“I’m sorta between places, if ya take my meanin’.”

“Well, that won’t do one bit. You’re my new friend, and you will stay here till you go back to Mississippi. In fact, I’m having a party tonight and there will be lots of people I’d like you to meet. Lots of girls too. You like girls, don’t you, Rusty?”

“I surely do.”

“Well, that’s grand. Now, listen here. You go with Tony into Beverly Hills and let him fix you up with some new clothes and a haircut and a shave.”

“My suit isn’t right for a party?”

“You just go with Tony, and he’ll fix you up nicely.” She got up then. I did too. She got real close an’ I could smell her again. Next thing I knew, I was sportin’ wood. She hugged me an’ then let out a cute little cry. “Oopsie! Well, look at you!”

“I am so sorry, ma’am.”

“Oh, don’t be silly. I’m flattered.” She took me in her tiny hands an’ gave it a tug. “We’ll have to see to that later.”

Wendy clapped her hands an’ called for Tony, then got back inna pool, high heels an’ all.
“Say, ma’am, I gotta ask…”

“Yes?” she said, giving me a mischievous smile.

“Is Wendy Lixxx your real name?”

She laughed out loud an’ swam to the other side o’ the pool.

*

When we got back from shoppin’, I was right tired. Tony showed me to an upstairs bedroom that was bigger n’ my mama’s entire living room. I showered an’ hit the hay for a quick nap before the party started. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow an’ the next thing I knew, there I was, catfishin’ on Oxnut Creek. Before long, Ronnie came walkin’ up to me. He looked different this time though, like he had serious business to attend to, an’ he didn’t even ask after the fishin’.

“It’s time, Rusty,” he said.

“Time for what?”

“To fulfill your destiny. To do God’s work.”

I wasn’t sure what to say. Truth be told, I was kinda scared.

“Don’t be afraid. Jesus is with you.”

I let out a relieved sigh. “Well, all right then. What’m I s’posed to do?”

Ronnie put his arm around my shoulder. “God wants you to spread your seed, Rusty.”

“My seed?”

“There’s something special about your seed, Russ ol’ boy.”

“There is?”

“No doubt. That’s your gift, son. Your special talent.”

“But I never even been with a woman.”

Ronnie took off his cowboy hat an’ laughed like he never heard nothin’ so funny. “Well now, I don’t think you’re gonna have too much trouble with the ladies fixin’ to come to Wendy’s tonight.”

“If you say so, Ronnie.”

Well, turns out Ronnie was right on. I woke up around eight o’clock an’ ate dinner with Tony an’ Wendy. She went back upstairs to change for the party an’ didn’t come back down till the guests started to arrive at eleven o’clock. Wendy insisted I stay at her side an’ introduced me to all of her friends. They all had names like Lolli Pops, Sunny Jacobs, Tawny Bates an’ Kylie Jezel. Real sweet gals, all n’ all an’ each an’ every one of ‘em was a different color o’ the rainbow. Lolli was black an’ hailed from Chicago, or “Shy-Town” as she called it. Sunny was Ecuadorian. Tawny came from Hong Kong an’ Kylie was from some tiny town in Russia I can’t pronounce. Wendy told me they were all startin’ out in “the business.” Some time later in the evening, Jenna Jameson an’ some older gal named Nina Hartley dropped in for a bit. So did some ugly fat guy named Ron. I can’t remember his last name though. When Wendy told me he used to be a big star in “the business” I looked at her like she was crazy. I mean, this dude was ugly.

By midnight, I was feelin’ pretty good. I drank enough to get a buzz, then put my glass aside. My mama always tol’ me, “moderation in all things, Rusty, ‘cept for prayer.” An’ I wasn’t gonna forget all my mama taught me jes’ ‘cos I was in California. Aroun’ this time, Lolli an’ Sunny begged me to tell ‘em the story of how I took down the little bastard that’d hit Wendy with a rock. The music was blarin’ in our ears though, so the two gals suggested we go to a nice, quiet room upstairs. I showed ‘em where I was stayin’ an’ we all sat down on the bed. I was halfway through my story when somethin’ I’d only seen on cable happened. Lolli and Sunny started kissin’. No shit. I got the feelin’ they weren’t listenin’ to my story anymore, so I jes’ watched ‘em for a coupla minutes. Then, Sunny kissed me and Lolli unbuckled my belt. Next thing I knew, we were all buck naked.

“Now, hold on here a sec, ladies,” I said. “We don’t hardly know one another.”

I didn’t think what I said was funny, but Lolli an’ Sunny sure did. They let out these playful little laughs an’ then started doin’ things to me that got me all wound up. At first I was real nervous an’ had a little trouble…well, you know. Lolli took me in her hand.

“Are you new at this, Dixie?”

I turned right scarlet. “Yes, ma’am, I surely am.”

She an’ Sunny looked at each other an’ burst out laughin’ again, which jes’ about killed my boner.

“Oh, you poor boy! Come here, baby. Let me take care of you,” Sunny said.

An’ she did.

*
When I woke up the next mornin’, Lolli an’ Sunny were gone. My head ached pretty bad from all the drinkin’ I’d done the night before. It was ‘bout noon before I felt good enough to go downstairs. One o’ Wendy’s people made me breakfast an’ then showed me out to the pool where I found her and Tony sippin’ what looked like orange juice from a champagne glass.

“Wanna mimosa, Rusty?” she asked. She was naked again, ‘cept for that same sun hat, sunglasses and a pair o’ heels.

Tony leaned in close an’ whispered. “Champagne and orange juice.”

“Oh, no thank you, ma’am. Had enough alcohol for now, I think.”

She got up an’ kissed my cheek. “Well, I heard you were quite the hit with Lolli and Sunny last night.”

I blushed.

She wrapped her hands around Tony’s arm. “Oh, Tony, he blushing again. He’s so precious!”
I cleared my throat. “Say, what happened to them gals?”

“Oh, you know,” Wendy said. “Girls like Lolli and Sunny are always on the move.”
I looked away.

“Oh, honey, don’t look hurt, please,” she begged. “You forget those silly girls. Besides, Tony and I have a surprise for you! We’re going to Vegas!”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, now go get packed!”

A bit later, we were on Wendy’s plane, soarin’ above the clouds. The plane touched down an hour later an’ we were whisked away by a shiny, black limo to a hotel called the Mirage. Tony an’ a bellhop showed me to my room in the penthouse suite. It had all this old-style furniture the bellhop tol’ us was from Europe, paintings from Italy, rugs from Iran an’ the biggest damn Jacuzzi I ever saw in the bathroom.

Tony turned to the bellhop and put a bill with that ol’ Yankee general U.S. Grant on it, then pointed at me an’ said, “Anything this man wants, he gets, understood?”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Spremulli. Please extend our regards to Miss Lixxx when you have a moment.”
When we were alone, Tony pressed a button onna wall an’ the curtains drew back with the whir of a small motor.

“Holy shit!” I said when I saw the view. All of Las Vegas was spread out before me. It was almost dusk. Far below was a buncha palm trees an’ a big ol’ lake.

“Look down there,” Tony said, pointing to the palms. “Give it a moment.”

A few seconds later, this volcano down next to the lake erupted in flames. Fire shot up outta the ground like the fireworks my mama an’ I used to go see in Oxnut on Independence Day.

“Is that a real volcano, Tony?”

“Uh, no.”

“I was gonna say. Who’d build a hotel like this next to one o’ those things? Whole thing’d come down inna few seconds.”

“You’re absolutely right, Rusty.” He went to the door. “You feel like gambling?”

I felt my face go red. “Well now, I’m kinda light, if ya catch my meanin’.”

“Miss Lixxx has excellent credit at the Mirage. That won’t be a problem.”

“Don’t seem right, gamblin’ with her money.”

“She has instructed me to extend as much as two hundred thousand to you. She wants you to have fun here.”

“Between you an’ me, Tony, I never met a sweeter gal than Wendy.”

“And you never will again. Why don’t you meet me down in the casino in about an hour.”

“Cool. I’m jes’ gonna have me a little drink or two.”

Tony smiled. “Pace yourself, Rusty. We’re here for several days. Miss Lixxx is the master of ceremonies at the Adult Video Awards show, so we won’t see much of her for a while. I’ll be back to collect you in an hour.”

After he left, I went behind the penthouse’s bar an’ poured myself a shot of good ol’ Kentucky bourbon. It burned goin’ down my throat, but in a good way. It’s funny – until my trip to Van Nuys, California, I’d never touched a drop o’ alcohol. Maybe I shoulda known sooner that it went down a little too easy. Like everything else that’d happened. It all happened too quick. Anyways, I didn’t think about it then. I opened a bottle o’ Jack Daniels an’ poured myself a little Tennessee whiskey, then went inna bedroom an’ lay down on the king-sized bed.

It wasn’t long ‘fore I felt the bourbon an’ whiskey all up in my head. Next thing I knew, I was asleep an’ dreamin’ ‘bout catfishin’ on Oxnut Creek. My heart ‘bout leaped outta my chest when I heard Ronnie Van Zant whistlin’ “Freebird.” He strolled across the creek an’ slapped a hand on my shoulder. “Howza fishin’, Rusty?”

I looked down to this basket I used to take with me when my daddy an’ I went catfishin’. It was full o’ fish. “Pretty good, I guess. Where you been, Ronnie? I missed you.”

“You did?” he asked, smilin’.

“Yeah. I gotta tell ya, I ain’t so sure I’m doin’ right by Jesus since I come on out to Van Nuys, California.”

Ronnie nodded an’ took off his cowboy hat like he always did when he was ‘bout to say somethin’ heavy. “I could tell you were getting’ to fussin’ a little bit, Russ, an’ that’s why I came.”
I started to feel a little better.

“I come to bring word to you from Big Daddy an’ J.C. They are real happy with all ya done so far out here an’ they want ya to keep doin’ what you been doin’.”
“Spreadin’ my seed?”

“That’s right, boy.”

“Mama tol’ me it was wrong to bed a woman outside o’ wedlock.”

Ronnie shook his head. “Not if Jesus tells you to do it, it ain’t. You just keep on doin’ what you’re doin’, all right, Rusty?”

I shook his hand. “Well, all right then, Ronnie.”

He walked away into the sun, whistlin’ “Freebird” all the way.

*

It was ‘bout seven when I woke up from my dream. I went downstairs to the casino. Tony was waitin’ for me with two guys who looked real familiar an’ two gals who didn’t. He introduced the two gals as Kitty Tang an’ Anais Naughtée. Kitty was from Tokyo an’ spoke hardly any English. Anais tol’ me she was from Fresno, California. The two guys were stuntmen. They’d worked as doubles for George Clooney an’ Brad Pitt on those Vegas heist movies a few years back. Pretty good resemblance between ‘em an’ the real actor dudes too.

Well, ya pro’bly already know what happened next. We all got to drinkin’ an’ playin’ cards an’ the craps tables. Pretty soon, I was pretty damn drunk. Kitty an’ Anais an’ me went on up to my penthouse an’ I basically did a do-over o’ what’d happened with Lolli and Sunny the night before. Kitty an’ Anais raved ‘bout how they totally loved Wendy an’ asked me to put inna good word for ‘em in case Wendy was lookin’ to do a girl-on-girl movie. Both gals were asleep when the telephone rang ‘round midnight.

It was Wendy. “Hey, sailor. I miss you.”

“Ya do?”

“Bad. I have this weird feeling about you, Rusty. No one’s done what you did for me that day at the abortion clinic for a long, long time.”

“Whaddaya mean?”

She sighed on the other end o’ the line, like she was real tired or somethin’. “No one does anything for me now unless they want something from me. Even Tony, God love him. You did what you did that day because you thought it was the right thing to do. I like that about you. You’re a good guy.”

“Shit, Wend, that’s real nice o’ ya to say.”

“I mean it.” I heard some kinda noise, like a loud voice over a megaphone on her end. “Damn, I’ve got to go. See you soon. I miss you, Rusty.”

“I miss ya too, Wend. Bye now.”

I put the phone down an’ tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t, even though I was real tired. I put on my skivvies an’ went outside to the balcony an’ looked at the maze o’ lights surroundin’ the Mirage. I was jes’ thinkin’ ‘bout polishin’ off a bottle o’ Southern Comfort I’d seen in the penthouse bar when I heard somethin’ back in the bedroom, like someone’d knocked somethin’ over. I went inside to check it out. I was ‘bout ten feet from the bedroom door when this God awful smell hit me right in the face. I almost threw up.

Kitty an’ Anais both lay on the floor, rolling around in pain. Kitty reached out to me with her tiny little hand an’ said somethin’ in Japanese, then tried English. “Help. Kitty need help.”
I fell to my knees an’ cradled her head in my hands. Her hair was so soft an’ I felt bad ‘cos I hadn’t noticed it before when we were bein’ all intimate.

“S’OK, Kitty. I know who to call. S’all right. Hush now.”

I reached to the bedside table, grabbed my cell phone an’ dialed Tony’s number. It was the funniest thing. He answered on the first ring, like he was expectin’ my call.

“Rusty. What can I do for you?”

“Oh, Kee-riste, Tony! Something’s happenin’ here!”

His voice was totally calm an’ I ‘member thinkin’ he was one smooth operator to stay so straight inna head in a situation like the one I’d found myself in. Not three minutes later, someone knocked on my door. I gently lay Kitty’s head down on a pillow an’ went to let in Tony. He was fully dressed in his usual suit and tie, his hair slicked back an’ shiny.

“Where are they, Rusty?”

I couldn’t speak. All I could do was point to the bedroom. Tony went inside. A second later, he called me. I didn’t want to go back in that room, but I made myself do it anyway. The smell in there was awful – like somethin’ rotten. Rotten like dead people. I ran into the bathroom an’ puked till my sides ached an’ my throat was raw. When I was pretty sure I’d brought up everything there was to bring up, I splashed some cold water over my face.

Tony appeared in the doorway. “These are the keys to my suite. Go get cleaned up. I’ll handle this.”

* An hour later, Tony came back to his room with a fresh set of clothes for me and a smile on his face.

“It’s OK. They’re both at the hospital and doing fine.”

“What the hell happened?”

Tony put a hand on my shoulder and held up a clear little baggie like the kind my mama used to pack my ham sandwiches in for school. The bottom o’ the bag was filled with these little red pills.

“Bad drugs,” Tony said. Then, looking concerned, “You didn’t take any, did you?”

“No, sir.”

“Well, thank God for that.”

“They’re gonna be OK?”

“Fine. Wendy stopped by to see them a little while ago. She said she’d see you later and that you should continue to have a good time here.”

An’ that’s what I did. Turns out we stayed in Vegas for the next two weeks. I spent most o’ my time inna casinos or in my bedroom with females. I didn’t see much o’ Wendy cos she was always dancin’ or doin’ a movie or somethin’. Never saw or heard from Kitty or Anais, but Tony an’ Wendy tol’ me they were both doin’ fine an’ were outta the hospital. By the time we got back to Wendy’s house in Beverly Hills, I was damn tired. I needed a break from all the drinkin’, gamblin’ and messin’ around with all o’ Wendy’s friends. Truth be told, I kinda missed my mama too. I hadn’t called her even once since I’d got offa the plane weeks before. I was layin’ in bed one evenin’ a few days later, tryin’ to catch up on some sleep, when I decided to give her a call. She picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, mama.”

“Rusty! How’s my baby boy! You out there spreadin’ God’s word?”

Well now, I didn’t know what to tell her, so I just told one lie after another. I don’t think she believed all o’ what I told ‘er, or even any of it. When she started talkin’ ‘bout the happenings down there in ol’ Oxnut, I yawned and turned onna big flat-screen TV Tony’d put in my room when we got back from Vegas and started flippin’ channels. Mama kept talkin’, but I wasn’t really listenin’. I was just about to shut off the TV an’ tell her I was tired when I came across a news show that had these two girls’ faces I knew. I froze. It was Kitty an’ Anais.

“Mama, I got to go. I’ll call ya soon.”

“Rusty, you listen here, you better be doin’ God’s work out there an’ not sinnin’-’’

“Bye, mama.”

I put the phone down an’ turned up the volume. When the report was over, I fell backward onna bed and couldn’t catch my breath. They were both dead. An’ they weren’t the only ones. Lolli and Sunny were dead too. So were seven or eight other girls that’d been part o’ what the lady onna news called “the adult entertainment industry.” I broke out inna cold sweat an’ got up from my bed an’ went downstairs. Tony an’ Wendy, as usual, were at the pool. She was naked, of course, ‘cept for her sun hat, glasses and heels, an’ he was in a dark suit, standin’ by her side, just like always.

“What’s the matter, Rusty?” she asked when she saw the look on my face.

I told ‘em what I’d seen onna TV an’ they were both real quiet for a few seconds.

“I fucked all them gals!” I yelled.

Tony looked at Wendy an’ she got up an’ came to me an’ hugged me, pressin’ herself against me. “Sit down, baby, and let me explain something to you.” She took me by the hand to the edge o’ the pool. “Now, you listen to me, honey. Girls in this business get chewed up and spit out every day. What happened to those girls has nothing to do with you.”

“But the lady onna TV said they all died by poison or somethin’. Like they was eaten from the inside out!”

“Baby, it was probably bad drugs or something like that,” she said.

“No! You don’t understand!”

Tony put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t understand what, Rusty?”

I was ‘bout to tell ‘em ‘bout my dreams ‘o Ronnie Van Zant, but nothin’ came outta my mouth. I knew they wouldn’t believe me none at all.

“I dunno,” I said. “I just know I did somethin’ to all them gals. Every one o’ the ladies I had relations with is dead! That ain’t no kinda coincidence!”

“Rusty, calm down,” Wendy said.

“Maybe I oughta go to the police.”

“And tell them what exactly?” Tony asked.

“I dunno. Somethin’.”

He sighed. “Wendy, would you permit me and Rusty to have a few moments alone to discuss this matter further?”

Wendy gave me a kiss onna cheek. “Sure, Tony. I have a mani and a pedi in an hour anyway. Bye, Rusty baby. See you later, I hope.”

I watched ‘er go an’ waited for Tony to say somethin’.

“Let me fix you a drink, Rusty,” he said as he went over to the bar next to the pool. “What’s your poison?” He said the last bit with a smirk on his face.

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“How about an Old Fashioned? You like whiskey, don’t you?”

“Yep.” I dipped my feet inna pool while he got out two glasses and started makin’ my drink. The water was the perfect temperature an’ I felt myself startin’ to relax. That is until Tony started whistlin’. An’ it wasn’t the fact that he was whistlin’ that upset me so, it was what he was whistlin’. “Free Bird.”

I got up an’ went to the bar. He slid the drink in front o’ me, still whistlin’.

“Who the hell are you?”

He smiled an’ leaned forward like he was about to tell me a big secret. “Who do you think I am?”

“Man, stop playin’ games with me!”

“Let me put it to you this way. I’m not Him. The one you think I am. I work for the Other Guy.”

“For the Devil?”

“That’s right.”

“So, I’m guessin’ you ain’t really a guy named Tony Spremulli?”

“No, Rusty.”

“What about Ronnie Van Zant? Are you his ghost or somethin’?”

Tony shook his head.

“I don’t understand…”

“I chose the form I thought you’d best relate to, you being such a Lynyrd Skynyrd fan.”

“What’s your real name then?”

“My Christian name?” he asked with a heavy dose o’ sarcasm. “Sorry. Just a little infernal humor there. Couldn’t resist.” He leaned back and laced his fingers across the back of his head. “Here’s the deal, Rusty. We – meaning me and the rest of the people Downstairs – can’t fool anyone unless they want to be fooled. Do you catch my meaning?”

“You sayin’ I asked for this?”

“In a way. How many Sundays did you spend sweating bullets in that Baptist church, waiting for God to speak to you? How many mornings did you wake up with an erection the size of the Eiffel Tower, too ashamed to masturbate, begging God to introduce you to the pleasures of the flesh?”

I didn’t say nothin’.

“And how many times did God answer your prayers?”

Again, I had nothin’ for him in the way o’ answerin’.

“That’s right. None, because God doesn’t listen to His people anymore. We, however, do listen, and we heard you.”

“I didn’t ask to hurt those gals. I never wanted that.”

Tony laughed. “Come on, Rusty. You don’t expect me to believe that do you? Think about all those times in high school when you asked a girl out and she turned you down because your mother was a crazy Bible banger. That didn’t make you feel low?”

“Yeah, it did. But that-’’

Tony held up a hand. “Understand, it makes no difference to me what a man’s motivations are. Unlike God, I’m not here to judge. The truth is, Rusty, you didn’t just feel ashamed after how the girls treated you. You hated them. You wanted to hurt them. And I heard you. Misogyny is one of my specialties.”

“Mis-what?”

“Hatred of women.”

“I don’t hate women!”

“Rusty, it’s OK. I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s your mother’s.”

“Leave my mama outta this.”

“Look what she’s done to you though. You’re twenty years old and you never got a single date because mama made you into a Jesus Freak too. No girl would look at you.”

“I said leave mama outta this!” I shouted it at him.

“Calm down. It’s going to be OK. Haven’t you been happy since you left Mississippi?”

He hadda point. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?” Tony said, shocked. “You’ve looked pretty happy rolling around with all those girls the last few weeks.”

He hadda point there too. In fact, everythin’ Tony was sayin’ made a lot o’ sense. Still, somethin’ stuck in my craw.

“What does He want with me?”

“What does the Devil ever want with men? Their eternal souls.”

I started to shake. “He can’t have it,” I said, but my voice quivered when I said it.
“Look, Rusty, you have to put aside these preconceived notions of right and wrong that your mother has drilled into you since you were two years old. Hell isn’t what you think it is. There’s no fire and brimstone. No one carries a pitch fork or a lash. Satan isn’t about suffering. He’s about indulgence. He’s about helping men make themselves happy.”

“That ain’t what’s in the Bible.”

“The Bible is nothing more than a three-thousand-year-old smear campaign against the Devil. Do you want to know what Hell looks like? Whatever you want it to look like. Some guys go the stay-young-forever-and-fornicate-at-the-Playboy Mansion-route. Others spend eternity gorging themselves on steaks and lobster tails without gaining a pound. We even have one guy who bowls all day and night and he never throws anything but strikes. Now, what do you think they’re offering Upstairs?”

“I dunno.”

“That’s right. No one knows. See, God doesn’t advertise like we do. He wants you to take everything on faith. Maybe there’s a Heaven, maybe there isn’t. Maybe you’ll find eternal salvation, maybe you won’t. We’re offering something better – something concrete. If you ask me, you’re getting one Hell of a deal. So to speak. And just to add a little incentive, we’re willing to throw in somethin extra once the deal is done.”

“What’s that?”

“Wendy.”

“Whaddaya mean?”

“You can keep her. Downstairs, with you. I know you like her. What man wouldn’t? And I know she’s taken a shine to you. Think about what eternity will be like with Wendy Lixxx spreading her legs for you whenever you want.”

“Sounds like she’d be my slave.”

“Slave’s a strong word. She’d just be real eager to please you.”

“An’ all I gotta do is…”

“Spread your seed. That’s it.”

“For how long?”

“Until your time is up, of course.”

“What if I say no?”

“Then I hope a life of celibacy appeals to you, because your gift is here to stay. And, of course, you don’t get Wendy.” He came out from behind the bar. “Think it over. Get some sun. Take in a swim.”

He went back inside and I looked out at the city far below hopin’ for an answer to appear, but there was nothin’ for it.


I spent the rest o’ the day in my room thinkin’ over Tony’s offer. By the time evenin’ rolled aroun’, I still couldn’t decide what to do. When I didn’t show up for dinner, Wendy knocked on my door an’ brought in a tray o’ food. It looked damn good, but I jes’ didn’t feel like eatin’.

“Hey, sailor,” she said in a sweet voice. “Brought you something to munch on.”

“Thanks, but I ain’t hungry.”

She put the food down an’ sat next to me on the bed. She smelled real nice, like she always did – like cocoa an’ fruit an’ flowers. “You look sad, Rusty.”

“I’m all right. Just thinkin’.”

She touched my arm. “You’re lying. I can see how upset you are. It’s all over your face.” She leaned in close. “Anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Now ain’t the best o’ times for this, Wendy,” I said, knowin’ right away what she was after.
“But we’ve waited for so long,” she whispered, kissin’ my cheek and nibblin’ on my earlobe. “I let you have all my friends and now you won’t give me just a little of your affection?”

I pulled away from her. “Lemme ask you somethin’. How long you known Tony?”

She kissed me and placed her hand on my crotch. “Don’t worry about ol’ sourpuss Tony. You just let Wendy take care of you, Rusty baby. I know what you want.”

Well now, I couldn’t really argue with the lady cos she was right. I wanted her, an’ how. But ya know how ya get that little voice inna back o’ yer head that tells ya when somethin’ don’t feel right, even if it feels good? Well, that little voice was goin’ off on me like nobody’s business. She’d just put me in her mouth when I ‘bout jumped outta my skin and fell offa the bed.

“Rusty, what’s wrong? I thought you wanted me,” she said, all pouty like a lil’ girl.

I stood up an’ backed away. “Y’all are with him, ain’tcha?”

“I’m just a girl trying to get some affection from the man she loves.”

Now, that ‘bout stopped me in my tracks. “You love me?”

She came to me an’ slipped her arms ‘round my neck. “Of course I love you. You saved my life, remember?”

“Well, now, I don’ know ‘bout that…”

“Saved my life,” she whispered, sinkin’ down to her knees again.

It felt good. It felt so good, like when I used to wade in the warm waters of Oxnut Creek on a hot summer day in Mississippi. I let her go at me an’ thought ‘bout home, an’ mama an’ catfishin’ an Ronnie an’…

“No!” I yelled. “This ain’t right. This ain’t what I want!” I pushed her away an’ she fell back on her ass. Just then, the meanest damn look I ever seen from a woman spread ‘cross her face.

Tony opened the door to my room. “What do you want then, Rusty?”

I pulled my pants up an’ ran ‘cross the room an’ went behind the bar Wendy’d put in when we got back from Vegas. “I don’t want to hurt no one anymore.”

Wendy stood and pulled her halter top back up. “This one’s no good to us anymore, Tony.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” He took a step toward me.

I grabbed a bottle o’ Gentleman Jack and’ busted it over the bar, holdin’ the sharp edge of the bottle up to ward ‘im off. “Stay the hell away from me.”

“You know, I could always call the cops and tell them you’re responsible for killing those women.”

“You can’t prove nothin’,” I said, tryin’ to sound all defiant even though my belt was still unbuckled an’ my pants down ‘round my knees.

“I’m a demon,” he said, smilin’ real evil. “I have other powers at my beck and call, if need be. The power to influence, you might say. I got to you, didn’t I?”

“Ya can’t make me do nothin’. It’s inna Bible. Free will an’ all that.”

“An over-rated concept, I assure you,” Tony said, still comin’ toward me. “Really, Rusty, you don’t have much of a choice.”

“Well now, that’s where y’all are way off,” I said. I took myself in one hand an’ placed the sharp edge of the broken whiskey bottle next to my privates.

“Wait!” Tony yelled. “Hold on there, Rusty! We can work this out!”

“I don’t think so, Tony,” I said. “Wendy, it coulda been nice. Too bad y’all are truckin’ with the Devil.”

There was a flash of pain an’ then I felt liquid warmness all over my hands. It took a little slicin’ an’ dicin’ an’ my howlin’ near toppled the walls like they done to Jericho inna Bible, but soon, it was done. Last thing I ‘member ‘fore I blacked out was Tony and Wendy standin’ over me, shakin’ their heads. When I came to, I was inna hospital with my mama sittin’ in a chair next to my bed. After a few days, she asked me why I done what I done, so I tol’ her the whole story from start to finish. Well, she didn’t believe me none an’ spent most of the next few weeks cryin’ to the doctors an’ tellin’ how her only son had gone plumb crazy. An’ that’s how I ended up here in this nuthouse. I ain’t in the wheelchair no more, but draggin’ this bag around with me for every time I got to piss sure ain’t much fun. So, believe me when I tell ya, Ronnie Van Zant may’ve been the greatest rock star ever born south of theMason-Dixon Line, but he was one shitty guardian angel.